Body by Tiger Schulmann

First off, I’d like to thank Mr. Tiger: you kicked my butt into shape and I feel great! I went to put clothes away today and ran out of hangers. I looked at the pants I had hanging in the closet and noticed one pair I had been meaning to give away, so I took those off the hanger (thereby liberating a hanger from bondage to a quiet but audible cheer from the other occupants of the closet) and noticed several pairs of khakis that I suspected I should be rid of. I then decided “what the heck, I’ll just try on all my pants and see what ones I can toss.”


Guess what happened?

I tried on each pair, and each pair just fell right off. I modeled them for heather (by physically holding them up and then walking into the kitchen), which produced laughter the likes of which I have not heard since…well, since last night when I was making fun of her for having guacamole on her face. But I assure you, the laughter was uproarious and well deserved: every single one of my “dress” pants looked like something MC hammer might have worn in 1989. Each pair was THAT big and billowy on me. They just looked stupid (though Hammer woulda made them look cool I’m sure. Or not. Whatever).

After the carnage, I was left with only one pair of Khakis which could be considered usable, at all. And those will still probably generate laughter, pointing, and jeering on the street. And not just from Heather either.

Time for a new wardrobe I guess. Century 21, here I cometh.

This reminds me of a similarly horrific story that happened a few years ago, of the opposite extreme however: I was in the Ross dressing rooms trying on pants (waist 32, as this is what I’ve worn for as long as I can remember), then being absolutely mortified when I turned around, looked in the mirror, and saw the extent of the Muffin Top that I was sporting.

It was hideous.

I still shudder and cringe when I think of that dark day. We refer to it as “black Sunday”

The really frightening part is it didn’t really motivate me to DO anything about said muffin top. I just curled up into a ball and cried (emotionally speaking, not literally).

Oh how far I have come!

I weighed myself yesterday and I was 150.5 which is amazing. Last summer I was like, 170, 175ish. I didn’t realize I had that much to lose.

Funemployment, I mean Freelancing really seems to agree with me.

Sorry for the boring post today. I’m sure no body wants to hear about this. I just had to write about it because it was so funny. I can still hear Heather laughing and snorting in the kitchen.

Seriously. It was that funny looking.